News of the World - A Realistic Discussion With Anti-Israel Student Protests. Dumb And Dumber

Not totally true, but pretty close. - Student Anti-Israeli Protesters Boycott Starbucks but file Human Rights Complaint when denied almond milk for their instant coffee.

This analysis was gathered from comments from a fictional but realistic panel discussion of attendees at a recent Pro Hamas/Palestinian Student Rally in Toronto.

Israel is guilty of genocide in a population that grows; it is a curious thing.  Israel drops leaflets telling civilians where they will be targeting their bombs.

Discuss.  

One student said that Hamas always stays in place; he noted that those leaflets were for civilians, but Hamas needs to be fair about this.  Other students weighing in commented that a tunnel under a Gaza hospital was only connected to the hospital because Hamas decided that being directly connected to the hospital was the best way they could ensure that medical aid, bandages, dressings, medicine, sanitary products for the women and tampon machines in the men’s washroom could be readily stocked.  

Other students wondered if Gaza was in Eastern or Western Europe. 

Student consensus was that Israel should not have responded as they did; they should have given Hamas a mulligan or just asked for an apology card, one of those huge ones Hallmark makes, so the Hamas fighters could sign it and give their best wishes to the families of the  Jews, Filipinos and children who died dancing in their bare feet, massacred by psychopaths who killed real humans with all the delight of a teenager advancing through Fortnight.  

Experts from recent protests explained their disgust with the civilian deaths. They remembered the Japanese-American meeting after Pearl Harbour that promised a 1:1 death ratio and ensured that the Pacific War would not involve civilian casualties. 

They noted the example of the nuclear bomb that the Allied forces exploded over the harbour in Beijing to end World War One.

Three of the experts who said their parents once had the History Channel (though they cancelled it after the free month expired)  also looked to the Americans who dropped leaflets warning all civilians to flee from the Ruhr Valley in WW2 and noted how the Yanks also dropped coupons that gave Germans civilians U-Haul Moving vans gratis and 60% off last season’s Samsonite suitcase line -  not the Hugo Boss one as they were too busy designing uniforms for the SS.  

Others said that even though we called Germans Nazis in WW2 - even though only 10% were Nazi party members - it was a human rights crime to call non-combatant Palestinians even though Palestinians cheered the rape of Jewish teenage girls, approved of the October 7 massacres at a rate of over 80% and voted overwhelmingly for Hamas in elections, giving double the vote percentage of what it took Canadian PM Justin Trudeau to win his last election in 2021.

Despite all this, Palestinians hated Hamas and were misunderstood. The tossing of homosexuals from rooftops was blamed on dizziness created by waves coming from Israel’s Iron Dome.

When asked about free speech, students defined it as the freedom to say what they wanted and for others to say agreeable things. Students noted that free speech did not extend to opinions that hurt their feelings or that they disagreed with. The consensus was that those people should all be immediately fired.

Students emphasized their disgust with how Israel did not acquiesce to a ceasefire every time Hamas demanded it.  They said that Hamas was getting tired,  tired of pushing civilians out of ambulances so they could escape Israel’s attacks. Hamas needed to get to the Rafah Crossing because the UN had to deliver more water pipes cut up into tight six-foot lengths with tips attached so when civilians got aggressive asking for water, they could use the uncompleted missiles to poke annoying civilians asking the brave warriors for their Perrier six packs.  

But there are no anti-Semites

Interviewed protestors also said it was important to note that just because people say “Gas the Jews” on the streets, the meaning and nuance can be missed.  Protesters explained that Jews tend to run out of petrol on the roads because they have forgotten to gas up in their excitement to get their Nobel Prizes and need to be “gassed up” and to have petrol cans brought to their abandoned cars.  

From the River to the Sea, the controversial phrase that most believe refers to the destruction of Israel, was explained as referencing a boat race on the Gaza Coast in which Arabs made boats out of missiles that had not made it to Israel and had a family fun day.  

On the special day after the ship skirted along the ocean, fans called it the big river of fun; after the river fun event, some industrious homemakers were encouraged to make clothing from the skin of dead homosexuals that their elected government had murdered.  

Some clothing makers, though, complained that dragging bodies behind motorcycles wrecked the skin and that they could only make ripped jeans with holes in them.  

Students suggested that military capabilities should be evened out, as has automatically happened with every war. Israel’s advantages with drones and aeroplanes should be balanced by having the IDF ground soldiers wear bright, glow-in-the-dark orange uniforms and conduct warfare the proper way, moving just like Civil War reenactors advancing in a single file.  

Furthermore, student Palestinian activists said the IDF should have to call out in Arabic, “Red Rover, Red Rover, we call Hamas Over.”

An unnamed protestor said that would make the fight fairer.  

An English major said that the book 1948 by Jim Orwell was his favourite book. He felt that it showed why the fascist dictators at their university protests only offered lattes without chocolate sprinkles and why almond milk was a human right.

Many protesters noted that wars have a long history of seeing the enemy's technical equipment and ensuring that you make things even so no side has an advantage.

Philosophy student Benjamin Spain said they shouldn’t accuse Israel of both genocide and apartheid because clearly, the apartheid won’t work if you genocide first as nobody will be left around.

A student leader with his face covered who said he was a member of “FREE PELESTINERS FOR GAZER JUSTICE” said, “We support a government of Gaza based on the movie Inside Out 2, where everyone is friendly to each other.”

He said that they would tell the destructive emotions not to come to Gaza. At the same time, West Bank activists at the university and spokesman Vashoff Liechtenstein noted that they could still be against Israel and not be for a medieval barbaric culture that wants to kill Jews (especially the ones hiding behind talking rocks) or be for those who want to stop women from being beaten and raped, and of course not endorsing the pushing of homosexuals off rooftops.  

“No, we’d make it nice,” said spokesperson Kathyrn Maggot. “We’d just have an ethnic food day, and everyone would get along.” 

When accused of making up a make-believe world, as opposed to the real world of Hamas, where Hamas has stated that they wanted to destroy Israel, kill all Jews and then come for Christians, the leader of the Palestinian Front of Palestine, said that everyone is just like us. We need to give them more hugs.  

When asked to comment, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau suggested building a battery factory in Gaza. At the same time, Pierre Pollieve said they needed to focus on lowering taxes on items smuggled through tunnels under the Rafah Crossing.