News of the World - Behaviour Modifying AI-Inspired Shock Collars Will End Racism

Not totally true, but pretty close. (Satire - but we thought women with penis' was satire a few years ago too. )

Trudeau’s Liberals announced on Friday that they had mandated tetanus shots for the entire Liberal caucus, with independent Han Dong excepted from the injections.  Posterior injuries were caused by spending too much time on old metal fenceposts.  

At their Tofino Beach Press Conference, limping Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland noted that all fences must be padded on top and their load-bearing capacity increased.  

Trudeau followed up, saying they had not brought together such a large press conference to discuss new fence mandates; he said he was excited about Canada’s potential to become a world leader in the development of matching brain images from fMRI systems to distinct and offending bad thoughts. 

“Putting people who do thought-crime in jail randomly or making legislation so subjective - you could drive a truck through it - it is just so retro,” Trudeau explained.  “The new way to stop the bad thoughts in their tracks is with shock collars.” 

“It’s not like social media isn’t just making us trip on Dopamine anyway,” Trudeau said. “That’s what ‘likes’ are; they measure the dose.  And all we are is post-national fat bags of chemicals and electrical circuits, and if our body is shocking us, who cares if we are helping our bodies with some tech favours? It’s all good.  So I’m just ramping it up with shock collars.”

Patty Hadju, Minister of Indigenous Services, said she was happy to celebrate Aboriginal Reconciliation Day by announcing the new human AI-controlled shock collars.  Someone in the crowd shouted out that the new holiday wasn’t till September 30.  Hadju assumed that it was Reconciliation Day because they were in Tofino, she said.  

“It is the indigenous who have suffered the wounds of so many bad thoughts,” she asserted.  “This is for them.” 

“One of these days, I would like to speak with one of these Indigenousers,” Hadju expanded.  “It would be freaky; I would probably just end up reading them land acknowledgement statements; it’s so second nature. But you never know, maybe they could get me a deal on some artwork or help me on this Metis citizenship paperwork.” 

“Bill C-63 isn’t enough,” Trudeau said.  “It focuses on digital and mostly words; we need to emphasize thoughts, and we will be amending our pre-existing funding models to focus on AI companies who exclusively pursue technology to eliminate negative human thoughts through shock collars. We are just following the science.”

Unnamed government sources said they had followed the science and thanked PetSmart for their research, which Petsmart claimed had reduced problem barking by 87%.  

When a reporter from Rebel News suggested that the new idea might be unrealistic, dangerous and unworkable, if not completely insane, he was tackled, arrested and taken away. 

“Realistic?” Trudeau scoffed, “It’s a lot more realistic than our EV mandates, so don’t even start on that.” 

Trudeau leaned on his surfboard as he explained his new vision for Canada.  

“We can perfect humanity and help our citizens to become more like me,” Trudeau said. “The shock collars will stop all the bad thoughts or hopefully just kill that bad part of the brain that holds them; I think it’s called the lower brain stem.”   

Trudeau added that it might take some getting used to, but after a few years, “we will die or be happy.  Later, Trudeau expounded on his points and said that if the idea didn’t work out, he thought they could rebrand it as an expansion of MAID. 

Freeland explained that Bill C-63 would be used to establish who would have to wear the shock collars. She thought C-63 could monitor negativity hot zones and that repeat offenders would be forced to wear thought shock collars based on a predetermined algorithm.  

When Freeland was asked what thoughts the Liberal government would be going after first, she began twitching and had to be sedated by Health Minister Mark Holland, who complained about having to be the one to find a vein.  

“I’m Minister of Health, but I worked in a bank,” he said.  “Why would the Minster of Health be a doctor?” 

An Indigenous doctor in the audience came forward to help Holland and identified  Freeland’s mysterious condition as Nimia Corporis Linguae Ostensio (NCLO). The physician explained that NCLO roughly translates as uncontrollable body language and affects those who took HR courses on effective communication and became addicted to displaying what they wanted perceived to be empathy. 

“Of course, racism is the first bad thought we will go after,” Freeland quipped after she was able to stand.  “Not being called racist” is the highest calling of cis and all peoplekind; if we believe someone might call us this, even if it is untrue, we must do all the anti-racist work so that nobody ever  has to hear that word. “

It was further determined that since racism has been the catch-all for anyone who has a different view on politics, religion, immigration, etc, the government has said that it will also be rolling anti-blasphemy laws into the shock collar package.

Reporters inquired why it would soon be illegal to have or express bad feelings about creatures that nobody can see and that have never been seen.  They further asked why it would not be allowed if someone wanted to burn their own Korans in their BBQ.  

“Feelings,” Trudeau said, raising his arms to the sky.  “Feelings matter more than thoughts; don’t even get me talking about words.”  

 On a practical level, Trudeau said that if someone got more than three monthly shocks, they would be fined $2000, and the person they had bad feelings toward would get a bonus of $1000.  

“Won’t this lead to an epidemic of people deliberately pissing people off,” asked Scottish Nationalist Hamish Fry.  “Why don’t you just do what the Scottish National Party has done in our country and focus first on putting all the racist dogs in jail before moving on to humans? 

Freeland said that they could move on to deal with racist dogs once the shock collar-trained individuals and all the fMRI mapping AI companies, who coincidentally, were owned by Minister of Export Production Mary Ng’s relatives, had determined the appropriate level and scope of the collar shock program. 

“What emotions or bad thoughts will we be going after once racism is eliminated?” asked Toronto Star Columnist Shree Paradkar. “Won’t this also be effective in dealing with our overpopulation problem?”

“After racism, we will go after hate, then gluttony,” said the new Minister for Boating and AI Thought Control, Adam Van Koeverden.  

Freeland interrupted, “Gluttony will be last; we have made some revisions, Adam,” 

After hate came lust, envy, greed, sloth and, last of all - gluttony.  

It sounds like you’re cancelling weekends, said Vulcan Wheatland Courier’s Jack Marblecafe.  

“This is a great day for Canada,” said Trudeau as he pulled his wet suit down to his waist, showing off his chest. “Because we don’t ever want to be called racist.   In the past, we only treated the symptom, not the root issue, the thought.” 

Reports from sources inside the  Ottawa press gallery indicated that two days after the Tofino press conference, the new shock collar devices were tried out on Trudeau’s new cabinet, which had been just expanded to 100 members.  They were set to be triggered whenever the user dipped below puppy dog levels of enthusiasm. 

The new Minister of Pastry, the Minister of Good Bowel Movements, and the Minister of Hockey Tape, along with the Minister of Chinese Electoral Intentions, Han Dong, and 20 other members of Trudeau’s Cabinet, tested the new shock collars during a Trudeau motivational address. Although Cabinet members smiled for the first few minutes, they finally succumbed to the fourth shock, leaving  Deputy Prime Minister and Trudeau alone on the stage.  Dong routed their fines to Beijing banks and, after approval, sent them back to the Liberal Electoral Hope Fund. 

The Minister of Good Bowel Movements was forced to clean up the mess and subsequently demoted to head up the Ministry of Defence.  

Trudeau said a second iteration of pleasure reward collars is in the pipeline. They will hook up to the serotonin, dopamine and other sexual pleasure receptors in the brain.  These collars would reward good thoughts and lower problems with lust, unnamed government officials claimed.