Canada Should Put Paper Straws On Our Flag.

Such foolish exhibitionism sums up our country right now.

Paper straws epitomise Canada today.  If any object combines our perpetual obsession with preening our moral superiority (and our bizarre infatuation with our medical system, it reminds me of an aged aunt who was told her 67 Bug was a great car and for 20 years still believed it was the best car on the road, even though the bumpers were falling off) and our inability to think beyond the immediate optics of the announcement, it would be the paper straw.  

Next time I go to the States, I’ll buy the plastic straw multi-pack, leave it in the glove compartment, and throw the mushy Canadian straw back at the blue-haired non-binary individual who believed they had solved the world with all their gathered wisdom gleaned during their six months working at a Starbucks. 

First of all, almost 99% of all plastic waste comes from 10 rivers, all in the Far East.  Eight of them are in Asia: the Yangtze; Indus; Yellow; Hai He; Ganges; Pearl; Amur; Mekong; and two in Africa – the Nile and the Niger. Thus, Canada’s contribution to plastic waste is essentially zero. We may go all teary when we see the plastic straw up some turtles - please don’t tell me it’s a tortoise, I don’t care -  nose, but you can be sure we had nothing to do with, perhaps it was planted there by some out-of-work photographer looking for a few bucks.  

But that is the level of depth we put into our decision-making.   We have become a nation of morons; we simply get emotional, see some image, react, get full of anger, and make no attempt to figure out the facts (anyone who brings up the facts is a denier or an extreme right-winger, an enemy of all that is good and pure), we then have some twit in Ottawa spend a fortune on catering some ceremony strictly so that they can once again vomit all over us with their endless eruptions of symbolic virtue. Yes, please do think of the scene in Meaning of Life with Mr Cresote (https ://ur0.jp/f5UHx) - though it looks like Freeland has been taking that catering bill a bit too far; every week, her flank widens. 

Yes, for the plastic straw, a tool that allows people to drink in a car while travelling, that gives the disabled access to beverages when they have motor control issues with their hands; we had to take away the straw because there a non-Canadian plastic crisis (that any moron who was willing to spend 10 minutes on Google would have discovered). 

But in our Puritan zeal, we had to take one small pleasure away from everyone and subject ourselves to trying to suck up Fanta through a straw that had disintegrated into paper mush.  Will this do any good? No, none at all; there is no chance; it was pure Liberal optics, just another minister doing their virtue masturbation exercise in front of us and covering us with their virtue spunk.  

Sorry, it's a gross metaphor, but it sums it up nicely.   

Yes, we are a stupid nation whose critical thinking skills are molecules thick and have been usurped by our overweening desire to show off our virtue. We are a foolish country that doesn’t even begin to think things through. This goes from the Federal appointees to the endless federal government hiring of more and more “Shopping but officially working-from-home, dog food-picking-plus some coffee pods on sale at Costco up crew.”  

We are a nation that can’t do anything right.  Not to mention paying $84 million for an $88,000 piece of garbage app; you know nobody will suffer. Their money is safe in the bank, to a country that allows foreign powers to purchase our politicians, and we are so incompetent that we haven’t even figured out how to enable evidence of our MPs being bought and paid for in court; we bring up the word privacy and natter on a bit, everyone falls asleep, and we forget about it. 

When we find spies in Vancouver, the Americans tipped us off. We have an entire parliament who didn’t realize that those fighting the Russians in WWII were Nazis. 

Those store-bought (Chinese Store) MPs will never suffer if it doesn’t come out, and as for the public, likely 98% who have never heard of it, they will lose attention.  

We are like a nation of four-year-olds with terrible ADD.  We let everything go because we can’t care.  I’m one of those demonic figures who keeps forgetting to bring reusable bags and has now bought a small fortune of them, and these are useless, like the old plastic ones, for picking up dog shit. 

 Not to mention the ones that break as you take them from the car or the ones that meat juices soak through and you throw away, negating the fact that it takes 7100¹ uses of a cotton bag to break even on the environmental side. 

I challenge anyone to use one of those virtue bags more than 20 times. So, we are hurting the environment and causing waste because we are idiots, like straws that dissolve and only function to show the world our eco-kudos. Still, our attention span is so short that we hear the words environment or green and bag, and we are all in. Is Freeland planning a press conference, or is Guibault considering climbing another tower?  

It doesn’t take much to persuade a Canadian; we do what we are told, we accept governments that ask us to stay off playgrounds during Covid, we allow Ford to say to cops to start randomly pulling cards over to do blood tests on people to see if they came from the same lineage.  (God bless the cops who told him to get bent). 

And we say okay because we are the nation with no balls. We don’t want to help Ukrainians who fight nobly for their existence. Still, we have no problem with our government generally racking millions in food, limo, and clothing bills so that our princess governor general can show up and give lame speeches about how hard-done she is.  

We had a real chance to lower global C02 by selling natural gas to Germany, but our leader, who had never read a book beyond the cover, turned them down; we needed to give the business to the Qataris, the same ones who funded the murder of 1200 children dancing at a rock concert in Israel when the orcs broke through the fence.  It's nice to see the Qartaris using the money wisely. 

We are just a stupid nation; Tim Hortons in Newmarket decided that they were going to do their environmental preening by removing trash cans.  Yes, they said we would save the world by carrying our garbage home and not leaving it in the garbage can at Tim Hortons.  A rebellion started; Tim Hortons's lie or foolishness was that people would go to their garage, take garbage, and haul it through the Tim Hortons line because they didn’t want to wait till Friday was exposed - just more typical Canadian idiocy. The truth is it was soccer mums screaming at Junior to clean up all the litter in the back seat and stick it in a bag so they could dump it while they were waiting for the person in front of them to argue that they deserved three crackers and not just two with their soup.  

So the soccer mums just dumped the garbage on the grounds. Good for them; litter away - if Tim Hortons is going to do this idiotic, slushy straw posturing.  Just like at my work, my old job before I was fired for hurting the feelings of our Vice Provost, who felt that calling terrorists was racist and worthy of hundreds of thousands of legal bills and labour so they could attack me and pay idiot lawyers to threaten me to stop talking to John Ibbitson. 

 I’m sure John is a fine man and a great writer. Still, I’ve never spoken with him and never will. I’m a bit of a nobody, and I don’t think he’s googling me right now.  Yes, that slushy-brained lawyer didn’t know the difference between the National Post and the Globe and Mail; apparently, she is a partner at Lerners.  

My favourite Canadian coup de résistance was the person who put their empty Tim Hortons cup on the lip outside the drive-in window as a symbolic protest against the idiocy of environmentalists. Just like the ones at work who removed my garbage can at work, I just started using a filthy cardboard box that lasted about a week, stunk, and was powerfully crushed through a recycling slot that wasn’t designed for it.  

But despite our noble protesters at Tim Hortons and our newfound identity as the land of twits - in parts of India, people are travelling hours to go to Tim Hortons, overpaying for bad coffee and bad service, and taking their cups home as proud emblems of their new entry into the middle class. 

Despite being a land of mushy straw-brain idiots, I guess we don’t have it that bad.   

1. https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/13/world/reusable-grocery-bags-cotton-plastic-scn/index.html