Gretafessionals and the Gospel of Guilt: Canada’s New Temples of Infantilized Virtue
Where fire drills meet Maoist struggle sessions, and the only sacrament is submission to the shrieking screen.
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Ex-Deputy PM Freeland left much of Canada cringing when, following the proud tradition of Justin Trudeau dancing in India, she showed up in Parliament in full French Revolution regalia to sing “Do You Hear the People Sing?” (The famous song from the musical Les Misérables.)
Freeland, ever defiant, proclaimed that although the last 34 wedge issues introduced by her government may have failed, things would go better if they used a wedge song, not merely a wedge issue. And this one is big, she said - “Class Division,” pointing at those barking Conservative running dogs, cleverly working behind the scenes of the Liberal NDP coalition and pulling all the strings.
Indeed, raising a broken coat hanger to the sky, Freeland said, “It is the Conservatives with their bourgeois values that have led to the decline in productivity, the health care crisis, the housing crisis, the immigration crisis, and the falling per capita GDP!!”
Les Misérables | Do You Hear the People Sing?
Freeland explained that the only way out of this was to raise the capital gains inclusion rates because those filthy capitalistic swine that started a small business ran a farm, or became a family doctor should not have a tax advantage over those hardworking prols in Ottawa who work for the federal government and can’t be fired, get to work from home and consider walking the dog, shopping at Costco or working out as “working from home” - because if they have their iPhone with them, it’s work.
They also get a defined benefit pension plan.
Samuel Johnson said patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, but for Justin’s Fanpack, their final pitstop may not be to change the tires but to separate the country into rich and poor. The politics of resentment, though, might be second last; the last seems always to be abortion.
And indeed, Freeland said she might one day appear in Parliament dressed in the petticoats of The Handmaid’s Tale and fill the air with the Internationale, all the while, of course, marching on top of a pile of broken coat hangers.
Press observers, though, said that trampling coat hangers, especially those plastic ones from the Dollar Store that always leave your clothes on the floor of your walk-in closet, might be ineffectual and lose symbolic value.
She wants calls for revolution to fill the air, but perhaps she is getting more notes of desperation.
Only four months ago, NDP/Liberal MP Charlie Angus introduced Bill C-372,
Act C-372 was designed to make it illegal to support or promote the oil and gas industry. Angus did not delve into whether the Oscar Mayer Weiner truck might end up forever parked, as the question soon became whether there should be any advertising of products that might offer persons some respite before departing this mortal coil.
Speaking before the Ottawa press gallery, Angus began his press conference by asking to be called “the Vicar.”
He said he did want to make it a criminal act to promote fossil fuel consumption. He explained that merely thinking about transporting one’s body without it being within an electric vehicle, on a bicycle, or being propelled by one’s own feet, not to mention notions of heating or cooling one's home, was sinful and would contribute to global warming.
“It’s the environmental version of lust,” the Vicar explained; “it’s like porn, it defiles us, and our planet should be a temple.”
“We shouldn’t let those bad thoughts in our heads.”
While noting that in the Ontario Catholic school system, this would never be allowed as they have exclusive rights to confessionals, the Vicar suggested that public schools should mandate weekly environmental confessionals and make sure that these ‘Gretafessionals’ were rolled into place each Friday, blocking school exits and trapping students in school until they passed through.
Expounding, the Vicar said that Gretafessionals must be made of plant-based material and that AI will be used to gauge students' reactions to AI-generated questions. The Vicar added that atheist students could think of the Gretafessional as a Maoist struggle circle or perhaps more of a struggle line.
Venturing into the details of C-372, the Vicar pontificated on the ramifications of forcing school-age children into Gretafessionals once a week.
“Like for most of us,” he said, “ The main pedagogical tools would be threats and guilt.”
“In the first 30 seconds, they’d get the standard - ‘if you don’t change, Idaho will be underwater next year,” he said. “Or Winnipeg will become a malaria hellhole full of mosquitoes in the summer and winter.”
Winnipeg MP Kevin Lamoureux noted that this might have some benefits, for example, lowering the number of drunk North-enders who freeze to death each winter after going outside to urinate and not making it back.
Winnipegers on Facebook chimed in, saying they would love to live in a Winnipeg like that, while Conservative MP Ted Falk objected, noting that rising temperatures would ruin Winnipeg winters, as it would destroy such childhood favourites as bicycle stand licking - in which they competed to see how much skin they could have ripped off their tongue and still be coherent in presentation class - and bumper shining - an activity where one sneaks up behind a car, gets in a squatting position and is pulled behind the car sliding on the icy street.
Falk joined the environmentally friendly chorus by explaining that bumper-shining trips to school were like carpooling and effectively lowered carbon emissions.
“If they don’t pass Bill C-372, Toronto and Montreal will end up an empty desert where Mad Max-style gangs drive back and forth looking for playoff victories less than 30 years old,” added the Vicar.
When asked about banning fossil fuels altogether, the Vicar said that while right now, we might not ban all products derived from fossil fuels, such as plastics, synthetic fibres, concrete, and food grown with ammonia-based nitrogen-based fertilizers and sold in grocery stores not named ‘Whole Foods,’ the giant fossil fuel-derived triumvirate of plastic straws, bags, and take-out forks would nevertheless be addressed.
Just before the Vicar stepped into his idling limo to board the Team Carney private jet, which was soon departing for the Team Carney Climate Conference in Las Vegas, the Vicar began to rip down a poster encouraging people to use Shell petrol when they drove up and down Main Street while also tearing one below that extolled the virtues of cupping and leeches for medicinal purposes.
Museum guards tackled him before he could get the entire poster down.
Later in the press conference, the Vicar’s NDP press spokesperson explained how in the Gretafessionals, AI would read body language, and inputs could be used to determine the level of AI-generated hectoring. He said confessors would fall into four categories:
A complete piece of shit who didn’t care about the environment.
A generational climate killer looking to murder his future grandkids
An oil-sucking monster who dreams of a world where marauding gangs sell bootleg water
A puppy and panda killing maniac who doesn’t care if tomorrow we end up dreaming of living in a house that cools down to 30 Celsius at night
In other news, NDP/Liberal assistant leader Jagmeet Singh announced that he had just read Sybil and felt like someone was telling him his life story.
“I wanted to give my three personalities individual names, but the seating manager at parliament had a royal fit when I told him,” a tearful Singh complained.
“He said there was no way I could get three chairs, and I helpfully suggested a Chesterfield instead.”
Singh said that he wanted to tell the seating manager that he had three distinct personalities, that he had said the magic words, “I identify as,” but still the three personalities: Jagussolini Singh, the powerful, triumphant, defiant Singh of Twitter and outside Parliament; Jagmeister Singh, the hip skateboarding, wheeling and dealing free stuff-grabbing Singh; and, of course, Jagbendover Singh, the Singh who takes up, as for now, only one chair in Parliament, were rejected.
A Chesterfield was also a couch.
According to inside sources at the PMO, a Stepford Wives scenario has been unfolding. Justin Trudeau has been replaced by a sophisticated AI-driven robot called Trusus Bot, assembled by Katie Telford and her team in an Ottawa backroom.
“When we don’t contract things out to idiots who moonlight while working in the Ministry of Defence, we can accomplish amazing things,” said Telford. “We have tweaked the normal word salad algorithm. Usually, we instruct the AI to generate word combinations that utilise nouns and verbs relevant to the question. However, it still manages to produce a product that lacks any meaningful content. But, we have found that overlaying a messiah complex is more effective.”
When queried, Telford said that the messiah complex makes the Trusus (the name itself is a combination of Jesus and Trudeau) more effective by making Trusus so insufferable that nobody can stand listening to him.
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