Let's Stop Picking on Drunken Sailors, Our Government Makes Them Look Like Coupon Ladies.

Let's just have our grandchildren pick up the tab.

Ladies and gentlemen gather for the latest episode of "Oh Canada!" in which our national pastime isn't hockey—it's monumental mismanagement and political shenanigans. But at least the Oilers made the finals this year.  But they are already down two games.

First up, the pièce de résistance: the what should have been the $85,000 ArriveCan app. Yes, it started as an excellent, neat five-figure budget to help people enter Canada during the pandemic. But if you let enough useless idiots subcontract to other useless subcontractors, you end up with a $65 million bill. And you thought your student loan debt was bad.

But let’s be honest, from a voter’s standpoint, this is just a bunch of zeros on a screen. Yawn. We’ve got more important things to worry about, like why Tim Hortons discontinued our favourite doughnut.

What does the government have to do to piss us off?

Are we like parents who don’t mind their kids shooting fentanyl as long as they don’t leave the needles in the kitchen sink?

Now, let’s turn the spotlight on our esteemed members of Parliament, caught red-handed in a cozy tango with our friends from across the Pacific. Yes, they’ve been caught exchanging electoral favours with the Chinese. But were refused to release their names. And knowing Canada, they will all win their next election with even more International Students being bussed in and told it’s vote for candidate x or back to living with mum and dad.

It’s called working with a foreign power, folks, otherwise known as treason. But knowing our lovely country, 95% of Canadians won’t hear a peep about it unless their TikTok algorithm glitches out. Forget learning about our politicians’ dodgy dealings; they're more likely to get a quick tutorial on their latest “mental health condition,” why Israel is the root of all evil, or enjoy some dubious performances of Tourette's that, oddly enough, involve 100% swearing on TikTok but only 5% in real life.

Fiscal Follies: Where Your Tax Dollars Go to Die

Let’s talk COVID spending, shall we? Estimates suggest that of the nearly $82 billion funnelled into pandemic relief, a staggering 27%—over one in four dollars, folks—was as valuable as a chocolate teapot. That’s $22.3 billion down the drain. Up to $11.8 billion went to CERB payments for young dependents in large households making over $100k. Because, you know, nothing screams “need” like a teenager in a six-figure family.  They had lots of skins to put on their characters in Fortnight. 

And let’s not forget the prisoners, dead people, and underage kids who all received CERB payments. Because even in the afterlife or behind bars, everyone deserves a slice of the government pie. Oh, and 51,049 employers who didn’t need it got a cool $9.9 billion in CEWS payments: a minor oversight, no big deal.

In an act of unparalleled genius, the lowest-income recipients of the Canada Recovery Benefit (CRB) found that lounging on benefits paid more than actually working. It turns out that government checks can be a disincentive for finding a job. But don’t worry, after-tax income rose for everyone! From those making up to $162k a year to those scraping by on $25k or less. Thanks, government!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving: Debt and More Debt

As the government waste bill continues to stack up like your unread emails, we learn that out of the estimated $359.7 billion spent on federal COVID-19 aid, at least 25% ($89.9 billion) was essentially flushed away. And guess what? Since this was all financed through borrowing, we’ll be paying higher debt interest costs of $21.1 billion over the next decade. That’s right, folks—$111 billion worth of fiscal flubs by 2033.

A Global Epidemic of Ineptitude

But wait, there’s more! Our neighbours down south are no strangers to governmental goof-ups either. From the $7.5 billion pork-spending spree on electric vehicle chargers (eight whole chargers installed so far, bravo!) to the $10 billion high-speed rail in California that’s moving slower than a snail on Ambien, it’s a never-ending saga of public sector prowess.

And let’s not overlook our friendly Saudi visionaries who dreamt up “The Line,” a $1.5 trillion car-free city that’s now been cut back to a mere 1.5 miles. I’d give it 1,600 feet before they call it quits.

Conclusion: Why We Love to Hate Government

So, why are governments so spectacularly bad at execution? Simple. There’s no accountability or real incentives. It’s all about elusive cost benefits and spreadsheet shenanigans any first-year investment banker could fudge. Good intentions? Ha! It's more like hidden agendas, political back-scratching, and donor pay-offs.

Public works projects are just the latest excuses for our politicians to measure success in re-election terms rather than actual public benefit. Meanwhile, we enjoy the newest episode of "How to Squander a Billion in 30 Seconds."

Do we not care about the future, or do we hate our children? Why could the $43B spent on German car battery factories blow up and cost $50B, and yet the government will suffer no political damage?  

And that’s a wrap for today’s episode of “Oh Canada! The Never-Ending Comedy of Errors.” Stay tuned for more tales of taxpayer tribulations and political preposterousness. 

Every Canadian or American should have an inflation-adjusted box in their house that tells them how much this waste will cost their grandchildren; every time it hits a threshold, have it howl over the loudspeaker,

“Your grandchildren will not get a vacation in 2036,” or “Congrats, you just got downsized to cloth seats for your grandkid’s first car in 2034.”  

Or better yet, “Hey, your 8-year-old grandkid who just graduated from engineering in 2037, assuming they are making $103,000 and netting $2400 every two weeks, well, they just pissed away $100 on the battery factories. 

By 2037, there will be no Uber eats for the month.  Somehow government needs to get some marketing people to make the pain of government wastage bite; adding a bunch of zeros and saying, “Ow, that’s a lot,” is not cutting it.  

If a doughnut is $1.50 in 2036, that’s about 63 donuts.  Maybe we could get everyone a machine that dialled in pain: if it’s doughnuts, okay; if it’s vacation, okay; if it’s clothing, run with it; if it’s booze, let it flow.  But somehow, we as a public need to start caring about government waste.  But the way the feds are hiring, maybe they plan to be at the stage where all the workforce is on the government team, and they, you know, there’ll be no cost control.