News of the World - Justin Trudeau triumphantly proclaims that he is set on being a Canadian Kim Jong Un.

Not totally true, but pretty close. - But the levitating is going to be hard.

According to Ottawa insiders, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's spirit has been revived after a recent trip to the movie theatre. Trudeau was inspired by the movie Inside Outside 2, in which animated characters Fear, Anger, Boredom, Embarrassment, Disgust, Envy, and Joy have an unfortunate encounter with the new kid on the job, Anxiety.  

In the animated story, all the characters interact with teenagers, and despite rumours to the contrary, the character Anxiety was not sponsored by social media.  Meta and TikTok declined to comment. 

Trudeau was planning to comment on the movie in Parliament. Still, due to Katie Telford's lack of direction, he went off script and, during Question Period, responded to every question with the off-topic accusation that the Conservatives were all in bed with the secret society Diagolon.  

Attending MPs had to have the House Speaker intervene and explain that Diagolon was not a Dungeon and Dragons gaming society nor a bad House team at the Hogwarts Academy but rather a sinister society, much like those who pushed the Pizzagate conspiracy theory or the Truanon cult. 

During breaks from ranting about more sinister Diagolon activity, Trudeau was seen reading the translated biography of the Kim family in South Korea. Trudeau said he had a basic level of admiration for the Kim dynasty because they could move quickly on issues without parliamentary messiness and shoot their enemies with anti-aircraft guns after they were tied up at a firing range. 

Commentators noted that since, in a Kim Jong Un or Trumpy way, Trudeau believes that he is good at all things (except multiplication), it is no surprise that he has announced that he will be writing a script similar to Inside Outside 2, called “Entryway” (he couldn’t decide to be outside or in), that will be used to plan his upcoming election campaign.  

The voice actors have yet to be fully decided. Rumour has Melanie Joly playing the character Embarrassment, while Chrystina Freeland will introduce a new character: Divisiveness.  

The last character will be a rather fat and annoying woman.  The Diviseness character will, though, of course, be the hero.  

Trudeau has decided that his character Diviseness will win the day by  dividing  the nation into the following groups and making sure that he caters to the larger group while feeding the smaller group tepid rhetorical gruel that nobody enjoys  but, most importantly, nobody really hates:

The first division will be those who vote Liberal or NDP  vs. extreme right-wingers who are unaware that the evil Conservatives have blinded them. At the same time, they are too stupid to understand Trudeau’s well-read, nuanced and erudite political positions.  

Other Examples:

• Gun owners vs. Urbanites who think that 7-11 should stop selling guns. 

• Those who care about budgets and fiscal control vs. those who believe that the government can always print more money 

• Punjabis vs. Indians from other states. 

• Rural vs. Urban 

• Pro free tampons in guys' washroom lovers vs. those who want to make users pay

• Those who think that if you put the word “care” on the backend of anything (pharma, health, day, tampon, etc.), it will work, and if you don’t believe it, you hate puppies vs. those who don’t believe this. 

• Those who like to get high on their smoking their virtue vs. those who kept maturing after 12. 

• Those who think that the military is wrong and that nobody will notice if we don’t contribute as long as we show up at the NATO military meetings with lots of snacks vs. those who are snack deniers

• Those who believe that anyone opposing CCP's threats to withdraw student visas from Chinese international students who refused to get on the bus to vote for their assigned Liberal primary candidate were racist vs. those who are against blackmail and voter manipulation. 

• Those who think that Israel should have adhered to “Jew Rules” in which they may be attacked but must not fight back and believe that Hamas’s Charter proclamation to kill every Jew and then Christians is just grumpy talk because they didn’t get enough sleep in the tunnels as they were kept awake by their people screaming above ground vs. those who don’t believe that Jews are to blame for shark attacks and crop failures.

Movie and campaign deals for Entryway 1.98 will be updated in the coming months.

In further news, CBC on-air personalities are now voicing complaints about being unable to work from home. 

“Nobody watches anything on the CBC,” said a union spokesperson.  “You know that the Liberal MP got in trouble for taking off his pants on air?  You have to apply critical thinking - It just means people were watching; if that happened on the CBC, nobody would call in.”  

Off the record, several on-air CBC personalities said that being unable to work from home echoes the pain workers experienced in Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle.

Legal counsel for the union was consulted but was unavailable as the lawyer’s guild was doing their weekly two-hour training session to ensure they continued to write with the maximum amount of passive voice as well as being enlightened by a special guest speaker teaching them how to bill one hour’s work for an email in which they cut and pasted something they googled. 

“If nobody watches us, why do we have to come in?” said a fictional spokesperson for the CBC. 

The head of CBC suggested they could make watching the CBC a sentencing component for low-level crimes.  

“If you had to watch the new Beachcombers again and you had been arrested for shoplifting, you’d think twice.  Maybe they could use one of those devices they used on Clockwork Orange to force people to keep their eyes open,” she said. 

Other executives proposed forcing people to watch CBC panel discussions where they used non-partisan panels to solve problems - the panels representing all political views. 

The latest “Should Israel Give Hamas a Mulligan” panel was composed of a member of ISIS, a CUPE “Let the uprising being Hamas” member,  a member of the Palestinian Authority who did his thesis on holocaust denial and an NDPer wearing a Keffiyeh the wrong way, where he had folded it to a tie and had pinned it to his bottom.  

CBC’s department of ‘How to make the younger generation know that we exist’ was busy turning the NDP policy into hip-hop songs using AI software but suggested that perhaps the same people who worked on the Arrivecan app could do penance by offering to create a device that could record time spent watching CBC TV. 

Such a device would give viewers a tax credit or be tied in with house arrest.  

Off the record, CBC’s head of torturing viewers said, “What if they took home-arrested criminals and made them watch all the episodes of Jurisdiction Zero on CBC, plus they took away phones and made viewers write a plot description?” 

The Human Rights advisors at the CBC weighed in and said that the ICC might knock that idea down. 

In international news, the Chinese Communist Party refused to try to use soft power money to influence the public through the CBC.   

Senator Pau and the Chinese Communist Party spokesman said the CCP already had TikTok, so no thank you.  

Off the record, CPP media experts laughed at the idea,  “How?” said one unnamed Chinese operative.  “Nobody watches.  Nobody.  Will we affect people by creating new episodes of Corner Gas and getting Hank Yarbo to complain about the evils of the Foreign Influence Registry? “

In other news, Katie Telford went on vacation and let Trudeau manage his press events.  

It has long been rumoured that Trudeau has studied the secrets of the Kim dynasty in North Korea, but more details were recently served up in Trudeau’s recent tete-a-tete with hard-hitting CBC journalist Rosemary Barton. Trudeau told her that while he has basic admiration for Kim Jong Un, there are differences. For example, Kim Jong Un never finds any excuse to take his shirt off in front of photographers.

Trudeau noted that Kim so enraptures North Koreans that they have run into burning homes - not to save Granny or Rover (starving North Koreans probably ate Rover in the last famine), but to save the photo of their corpulent leader.   Even those who escaped his tyranny have difficulty believing that he is not divine; one escapee refused to think that he needed to defecate like mere mortals. 

Gerald Butts, Trudeau’s Minister of Propaganda, has always suggested Trudeau should have a better back story.  But Trudeau admitted that claiming to be able to levitate and whisk himself from Montreal to Ottawa might not be believed outside of the CBC and his mum.  

Trudeau, though, raved about how Kim could drive by age 3, get holes-in-one on each major (not mini) golf hole, discover unicorns, and turn pinecones into bullets. Trudeau said that if he could turn pinecones into votes, he would move his headquarters to northern BC. 

On the subject of the opposition party, Trudeau said that the raison d’etre and the entire purpose of the Conservative party were to turn the whole country into a Diagolon rally where they invited women who both want abortions and cheaper New Zealand cheese to show up so that the Conservatives might deny them both abortions and those cheese squares stuck into toothpicks.  

“Their criticism of more expensive Canadian dairy products is racist; they will soon want to be importing the racist “Coon Cheese” out of Australia,” Trudeau mused. 

Conservatives said the Australian company had changed the name to Cheer Cheese. 

Still, Trudeau said this was once again evidence of racism and filed a Human Rights complaint at a nearby university, where all cheese was immediately found guilty. 

Back on the hill, examiners looking at Investigator David Johnston’s report entitled “I Didn’t Read Anything I Just Took a Nap” said that Johnson had noted that while China had been spending millions getting its favourite candidates elected, it was only because they believed diversity was their strength.  

Chinese Communist Party representative said that just because the night before the election, MP Michael Chong had been told that they were tangling his mother upside down over a wall on the Great Wall of China, it did not mean that he was being intimidated.  

Pau also said that the reason the Chinese embassy official stood behind an anonymous Richmond Hill man with family in China was not to intimidate him.  

“The CCP official pushing a gun into his back did not mean that the vote might be affected,” Pau emphasised. 

“At least it wasn’t his fingernails,” the anonymous potential voter from Richmond Hill said.  

Johnstone said he had learned that the trick was to get Chinese international students to board in houses without internet and only one TV channel—the CBC. 

Experts believed that after students had lost all hope and were bored and confused, they were shipped to voting stations. If that didn't work, they were threatened with a return to watch more reruns of interviews with Rosemary Barton.