News of the World - Keffiyeh University Orientation Starts Up

Not totally true but pretty close. - Resolved to never hurt your feelings but still somehow leaving you down and uninspired. Magic word toolkit part of every freshperson welcome pack.

In early preparations for summer students, Keffiyeh University and Keffiyeh-Dundas College are now giving thinking/magic word toolkits as part of their Freshperson Welcome packs, in addition to free tampons for the men, and Adams Apple hiding keffiyehs for those who don’t have vaginas.  

A group of banned and shunned professors speaking from home complained that it is terrible at university to have discussions replaced with magic word exchange. They said that magic words eliminate the need to think, erasing the messiness of nuance and ensuring we are not burdened with peeling back layers of definitional bias, intentions versus reality, underlying objectives, etc.  

The unnamed leader of the shunned - speaking confidentially as he has been banned from communicating with anyone who has ever used the word University - said the tool kit was a horrible idea. 

Orientation organizers disagreed as they said that anyone in the group of the shunned was probably a serial murdering paedophile and noted that magic words give users a time-saving toolkit that contains such helpful thinking shortcuts as “racist,” “transphobe,” or “Islamophobe.”  

He/she enthusiastically explained that he/she knew that Generation Z protesters were also suggesting that the word ‘Zionists’ be part of the toolkit.  

But when organizers asked students to tell users where Zion was and what it meant, answers ranged from Europe to a place without plug-ins for their parent’s EVS.  

Also contained in the kit were the climate change and racism flayers and hairshirts (now made of non-animal, plant-based hair that users claim causes the same scratches, irritations, infections and pain as the old-fashioned hair shirts.)

Flayers were sticks with hemp rope attached to desiccated walnuts and could be used to whip one’s back or thighs. They could also be used in class discussions, where instead of having nuanced open talks on historical events, students could, for extra credit, hit one another on the back. The recipient would commence the abuse by shouting, “Thank you, can I have another?” until they had enough. 

Then they would say, “It’s all my fault; I hate myself.”  

Orientation included 45-second courses; the first discussed how labels could reduce complex social, cultural, and individual phenomena to a single term and help build a healthy binary perspective. Labels, they said,  created a simple scaffolding to divide people into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ without acknowledging the spectrum of existing beliefs and experiences.  

Delving deeper, bored students were shown the dangers of being forced into discussions; accommodation handlers circulated up and down the aisles, teaching students how to apply labels carefully and ensuring that the skin area was shaved and lubricated so there were no painful label removals.  

The second courselet taught students how to raise their voices and how raising one’s voice was the key to taking control of the moral high ground.  Students were encouraged to use their magic words defensively when under pressure.  

They were also taught how to use new plant-based and plastic-free ad hominem shields like “extreme right,” “populist,” and an abundance of words ending with “phobe” or “denier.”  

Techniques could be combined; for example, when the existence of perhaps non-existent native children’s graves was questioned, it was suggested that the screaming to the high ground technique be combined with denier words.  

At this point, some students wondered why such techniques were necessary.  

Student Ben Frankreich said, “Can’t we just get those who aren’t in our tribe fired?”  

However, though he was affirmed that his instincts were spot on, he was explained that it was always better to file a human rights complaint against such outliers, and in such a situation, he could practice his victimhood skills. 

Frankreich said he hadn’t taken the victimhood class, but he said he understood because he had seen a TikTok on how mental health and victimization could intersect.

Although Frankrich was not covered by any of the designated human rights qualifiers, it was suggested that he could say that he had Metis blood or note that his uncle got quite dark in summer, mainly when he used Coppertone Extreme.  

But there was disagreement; student Hamish Fry said, “Needing to qualify for minority status so you can destroy someone’s life, or generally just needing money doesn’t make you Indigenous.”

Fellow freshman Gina Anas suggested that if Frankreich’s parent’s country club had ever allowed a person of colour to carry his uncle’s golf clubs, that might qualify him.  

Further suggestions included the idea that Frankreich could claim he was 1/200 Cree if he had ever eaten a Wigwam chocolate bar.  The orientation assistant said she/he thought that was fine, but the bar was called Wigwag.  

The next Victimhood courselet was twelve minutes long and began with students using their fingers (The ECE students were given an advanced courselet in this) to paint signs that said, “Everything in your society is evil today and yesterday - all that matters is what you feel.”  

Students then marched around campus, boycotting Starbucks, except for the 43 students who said they were not breaking the coffee boycott if they ordered a frappuccino. They practised  their “scream till you hit the high ground” techniques between chants: “Everything in your society is evil today and yesterday - all that matters is what you feel.”  

University helpers eagerly signed students up for victimhood categories as they filed back into the orientation. Then, they gave students stickers that could later be used for extra credit on course exams.   

After the third courselet, students had nap time, which stretched to 15 minutes. After the mattresses were dragged out, the orientation officer taught students the importance of groupthink and conformity.  

This lecture focused on communicating problems digitally and avoiding eye contact.  

The Human Rights Department showed students how to load their oddly named “The World Is Mean To Me” app, which activated arrows embedded on the floor to show students the quickest way to the Human Rights Department or the nap room.  

Students were given wristbands that emitted digital identifiers and were shown how to use the "The World Is Mean To Me” app. They would turn the app on and point it at any student when they said that student hurt their feelings. 

This ensured that the identified student would immediately be suspended -pending investigation. 

Removal of the wristband, though, meant immediate expulsion. 

The orientation ended with students being given the answer keys to their hardest course. 

Everyone then gathered into a circle to sing “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Miserables. History freshperson Melanie Spenseritz said she loves Les Miserables because it exposes the Irish people’s pain after the Irish French Fry Famine.  

Orientation ended with parents meeting the children in the hallway and escorting them to idling cars in the pickup zone.