Academics Shocked That Giving Free Drugs to Drug Addicts Increases Drug Use

News of the World, Not Totally True but Damn Close

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If you contrast the efforts of the Trudeau/Singh administration on reducing regular old crime with their efforts on reducing hate crimes, the irony is pretty rich. Trudeau/Singh’s non-coalition coalition government proposes potential life sentences for detesting someone based on protected grounds.  

Anonymous influencers were already practising their lines to use in court. They note that the court has determined the key differentiator between a sort of bad hate crime and a really bad - life in prison - one is “disliked” versus “detested.”

“No, your honour, I was being sarcastic,” was one suggestion.  Or, “No, your honour, I have a throat infection; I know I sounded pretty detesty, but I was thoroughly dislikey,“ was also put forward.

A Winnipeg influencer suggested that the government's “Thought and Speech Police” could create an algorithm to measure the speed and force of keyboard strokes if they couldn’t discriminate based on words. He also suggested they might develop an algorithm based on specific vowels' volume, intonation, and articulation. Or use AI, he added, though he admitted that saying, “Use AI” was what everyone said when they had no idea.

But as far as crime? Liberal’s Bill C-6,  or the “If we are nicer to criminals, they will be less criminal” bill, was not successful. Even the racial coupon book they instituted, sort of like a racial club card for crime, didn’t fly.  It embraced the racism of low expectations. 

The old saying, “We know you people tend to end up in jail a lot, so we will let you use your club card to reduce your time or allow you easier bail,” did not resonate with the public. However, criminal court judges said they didn’t mind the idea as long as Liberal fundraisers kept their promise to stop calling them during dinner.

With Trudeau as a cheering squad, provinces followed the federal government's claims that being nicer to criminals was the key to crime reduction. In keeping with this, the BC government started a business incubator program for drug addicts.  

“We think the key to reducing overdoses is to create more drug entrepreneurs,” an unknown official with the BC government said off the record.  “If we give them free drugs, they will be able to sell them and use the profits to start daycares or dog walking services.  

When the noted official was queried about the increasing overdose rate and the fact that the new entrepreneurs were blowing their profits on Fentanyl, he added, “None of our experts, even my mum, predicted that giving extra money to drug addicts would result in them spending it on drugs.”  

As to the increased overdoses, other officials suggested that they call them COVID deaths so they might mandate another lockdown, as officials complained about having to come into work twice a week now and noted the effects on their gym schedule.  

In Ottawa, an NDP justice critic suggested that all the seats in parliament be unbolted and that the doors be left open and unguarded at night to avert potential violence from Ottawa criminals who liked green carpets and uncomfortable chairs. Officials at the Toronto Police Service immediately filed suit against the Ottawa Police for stealing their ideas.  

“We came up with the idea of leaving your valuables on the porch in a Halloween basket,” they said, noting that they were disappointed that thieves did not honour the “take one car only” directions. 

Bill C-5, also known as the “Let’s Get More Violent Psychos Back on the Street Bill”, was less successful. Officials said the name was too long. 

Car thefts in Toronto went up 400%, but Minister Virani said it wasn’t fair to discount all the good it did for the used car export market.  

At the national level, RCMP leaders defended the federal government, saying the increase in crime was not due to Liberal legislation.  

“It’s just that we are incompetent,” he said.  “After all those hours spent teaching our horses to shit into their poop catchers on parade days, we knew that maybe the four hours of actual crime prevention training wasn’t enough.” 

Other sources at the RCMP said the criticism was unfair and failed to note their good points.  “Tell me one other country with all those fourth-place finishes in the coolest uniform rankings,” he noted. 

Liberal insiders said that when their leader is defeated in the next election, they hope his messianic fervour will be mitigated. They hope he will stop asking himself to be called “Your Lord and Saviour.”

Furthermore, they hope he will end his strange new habit of getting his driver to take him to 24 Sussex Drive, where he says he wants to try driving demons out of rats and other vermin that have taken over his former residence.  

A former cabinet minister said they are already trying to find Trudeau a new job. Still, most private sector corporate boards note that even the crazy lady who works in the company cafeteria has more business experience. 

 “We hope he will get hired by some NGO to fly around the world, giving emotive speeches on topics he knows nothing about,” supporters said. “He is good at that. He needs to use his super serious voice, clutch the podium, tear up frequently, and mistime dramatic pauses, as he does now.”

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