New Jew-Box AI Tool Designed To Steer Users Through Double Standard Dilemmas
And comes in five exciting colours.
Introducing the Jew Box™: AI-Powered Perfection in Double Standards Management
The Qatari Institute of Technology proudly presents the Jew Box™ (JB), an AI-powered tool crafted to help Jews and non-Jews navigate the complex landscape of societal expectations. This sleek gadget, available with interchangeable covers to match any ensemble, is essential for those wrestling with what's considered "acceptable" in discussions surrounding Jewish or Israeli issues.
“It’s not just about double standards,” explains Prof. Melanie Spenzviz. “It’s about the inconsistency in these standards. The Jew Box™ offers clarity on a shifting terrain.”
Here are some enlightening exchanges with the Jew Box™. We have hidden our technical examiner's name and are referring to the examiner as Q.
The results of our queries are the following:
1. On Rape and Jurisdiction
Q: My friend was raped, and it was recorded on video. Will the rapist be convicted?
JB: Absolutely. We must always believe women, especially with video evidence of them being sexually assaulted.
Q: But it happened in Israel on October 7.
JB: Never happened. We don’t trust video evidence because Jews probably faked it with AI and used their space lasers to confuse us all.
Q: Thank you.
2. On Indigenous Claims
Q: Every country consists of descendants of its original Indigenous people, right?
JB: Are you Jewish?
Q: No.
JB: Only Bhutan, Japan, Iceland, Lesotho, Tonga, San Marino, Mongolia, and Samoa qualify.
Q: I lied; I’m Jewish.
JB: Settler-colonist, despicable. You need to leave Israel so Arabs who came in the 1920s can displace Jews who have been there for 4000 years.
Q. So you admit they were there?
JB. No, I heard the pottery wasn’t thousands of years old and that they found a receipt from the Salvation Army store with the shards. The bones were from raccoons.
3. On Military Actions and Civilian Casualties
Q: The IDF's killing of civilians is the worst in recorded history, right?
JB: Actually, Israel’s military actions have one of the lowest civilian-to-combatant death ratios, considering that Hamas uses civilians as shields.
Q: I’m Jewish.
JB: It’s genocide, the worst ever recorded.
Q. What military action should Israel have taken when 1200 citizens were killed? If 50,000 Americans were killed by marauding raiders from Emerson, MB, would the Americans have not retaliated?
JB. The Americans might have kissed Winnipeg goodbye, but probably not because they’ve never heard of it. When God flew over Winnipeg, he reportedly gave up the window seat.
Q. You’re missing the point.
JB. The UN has decided that Israel has no right to retaliation; individual Jews should also be willing to be punched in the face without retaliating.
Q. Why is that?
JB. As compensation for ruining all the harvests in the Middle Ages and not leaving England quickly enough when they were asked to depart.
4. On Human Rights in Gaza
Q: It’s wrong to push gays off rooftops and drag their bodies through the streets.
JB: Of course, that’s abhorrent.
Q: What if it’s in Gaza?
JB: Never happens. Are they just having a bouncy castle competition, and fun-loving gay people (in the original meaning of the word gay - like happy) are jumping into the bouncy castle? Dragging people through the streets? It’s a cultural ritual, a final parade for lost brothers. Don’t be ethnocentric. It is the first part of their passage to Valhalla.
Q. Isn’t that the wrong religion?
JB Don’t be a religious bigot.
5. On Academic Freedom and Hate Speech
Q: What about a professor calling for the extermination of Israel and accusing Jews of Satanic practices?
JB: Was this the guy at the University of Guelph?
Q: Yes.
JB: No problem then. Free speech. They were planning some "Jew moves," right?
Q: They also want to fire a professor for calling Hamas Nazis.
JB: That’s vile. Just because the Muslim Brotherhood leader that formed Hamas admired Hitler doesn’t make them Nazis. Just because the head of the Muslim Brotherhood had 387 Hitler Bobbleheads, it doesn’t matter. That professor should be fired.
Q. Why do Jewish counter-protestors get removed when they try to protest on university campuses while pro-Palestinians are allowed to trespass and occupy land illegally?
JB. The Jews listen to us. The rest of them are just vegan this, vegan that, food allergies, chocolate sprinkles only on one side of their lattes, and if we don’t give them what they want, they might get violent.
Q. But the police don’t want to do policing?
JB. Some policing is different than other policing.
6. On Free Speech and Selective Censorship
Q: Is it wrong to disinvite Israeli speakers because they are Jews while allowing others to welcome terrorists?
JB: One person’s terrorist is another person’s entertainer.
Q: You mean terrorists enjoy killing people?
JB: Yes, so don’t be a buzzkill.
Q. Isn’t free speech more important than ensuring people’s feelings aren’t hurt?
JB. We prefer to call it “freeish speech,” And freeish Jewish speech just isn’t trending now. They don’t even have good merch. Didn’t Orwell teach us all about some speech being freer than others?
Q: He was talking about pigs
JB, Now you’re just discriminating against Muslims
Q. But Jews don’t eat pork
JB. And we don’t want to censor them when it comes to not eating pork.
JB. So we are good then.
Q. Is your AI pre-enlightenment?
JB. Reason is a racist tool of the oppressors, so the coders took that out.
7. On the Value of Muslim Lives
Q: Is every Muslim life lost of equal value?
JB: Is this a trick question?
Q: I’m serious. Four million Muslims have died violently since 1980 in the Middle East.
JB: Muslim deaths at the hands of Russians, Syrians, or Saudis get a 4.4 out of 10 on the JB Death Value Index.
Q: What’s the highest rating?
JB: If Jews are involved, it’s 400 out of 10.
Q: That’s statistically impossible.
JB: Where did you get your PhD?
Q: Harvard?
JB: Racist.
8. On Racism and Anti-Semitism
Q: Is it okay to use the N-word?
JB: Absolutely not.
Q: Is it okay to attack black schools and call for their deaths?
JB: Are we in 1952?
Q: How about doing that to Jews today?
JB: Context matters. Were they just trailer classrooms?
Q: Yes, I think so.
JB: Then it’s okay. Are you calling for their death? It's probably just a mistranslation. Arabic is a love language; it was perhaps a romantic poem that Google Translate pooched. The AI on Google Translate is racist, and it keeps translating calls to gas the Jews and suggestions to shoot their schools as being calls to violence.
9. On War Crimes and International Law
Q: Should the ICC act when Assad kills thousands or China persecutes Muslims and puts Uyghurs in concentration camps?
JB: Chinese Jews need to stop persecuting Muslims, agreed.
Q: They aren’t Jews.
JB: Concentration camps? It's more like summer camps without the canoeing, tents, and bonfires. It’s more like extended fireside chats, except for eight hours in a row in concrete rooms. No marshmallows.
10. On Combat Tactics
Q: Isn’t it a war crime to hide behind civilians and launch rockets from schools?
JB: That’s okay if you have the Jew Exception Card #2325 from the ICC.
Q: Does that card exist?
JB: Read the sticker on the box; AI sometimes makes mistakes.
11. On Success and Stereotypes
Q: Why are successful Asian immigrants seen as success stories, but Jews are portrayed as sinister manipulators if they’re successful?
JB: Asian Americans opened restaurants, which is noble work. Jews just banked their way up.
Q: But that’s a stereotype.
JB: Google it. Are you saying Asians shouldn’t work in finance? Racist.
Q: That’s not what I meant.
JB: Please plug me in; I need a recharge.
12. On International Criticism
Q: Why is Israel constantly criticized while North Korea and Iran are overlooked?
JB: We love Jews so much; we expect more from them. You’re welcome. You’re like the son who goes to Harvard and gets one B- in four years. The rest of the siblings ended up in Juvenile detention, and a solid week for them is not stabbing someone with a fork.
13. On Media Control
Q: Look at these stats: Jews were involved in 0.7% of Muslim deaths but got 14% of the negative coverage.
JB: Jews control the media.
Q: That makes no sense.
JB: Sounds like you’re just trying to control the media again.
14. On Historical Displacement
Q: Why is the 1948 Jewish displacement forgotten and only the Arab displacement discussed?
JB: Those Jews were just on holiday. They weren’t displaced.
Q: Why is Israel’s creation seen as a bloodbath? Weren’t they attacked?
JB: Couldn’t you have done it peacefully, like the Indian Partition?
Q: 1.2 million died there.
JB: I need a plug; I am low on power; that must be wrong.
15. On Overlooked Atrocities
Q: When Russians invaded Chechnya, they killed 5% of the population. Why didn’t anyone care?
JB: There are too many countries to keep track of. All those Stans and names that are 50% vowels get hard to keep track of.
Q: Could it be that people just hate Jews first and just want to confirm their bias?
JB: No, before 1948, there was no anti-semitism.
Q: The pogroms, evictions, slavery, subjugation?
JB: This Jew Box ™ doesn’t do history before 1948.
Q. Then how can you ever understand the world today?
JB. Like I said, we don’t do truth and reason. We’re just here to help you manage expectations. You’re welcome.
Q. I didn’t say thank you.
JB. Don’t be rude. You Jews are so disrespectful.
Good concept and appreciate the satiric look at hypocrisy when it comes to anything Jewish. Folk don't care about Palestinians, unless Jews can be blamed for their deaths or problems. Whether Jews are blameless doesn't matter.