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Trudeau Freaks Out and Becomes Churchillian.
“I have never paid my own credit card bill. Do you think I understand tariffs?” Trudeau cried on the phone to his ex-wife, Sophie.
She said she was in the middle of something with her new boyfriend and hung up.
A disconsolate Trudeau called Mark Carney, but he didn’t pick up.
Carney was out with his new best friend, Steven Guilbeault, trying on Prime Minister clothing and searching for new ways to destroy the Canadian energy sector.
“I’m going to get to wear the WEFer homerun jacket,” Carney said, shaking his fists in glee. He was referring to the WEF’s award for political figures who have shown the most progress in consolidating power in the hands of the Swiss-based group. The WEF stole the idea from the Toronto Blue Jays.
“People think the fuel tax was over the top; wait till every company in the country has to get my climate change certification to access banking services,” Carney gushed.
“But I am safe; my plans are cleverly hidden in my published books, and nobody reads anymore.”
‘I’m not just talking eco-friendly asswipe and eco-friendly tampons in the men’s washrooms,” Carney exclaimed. “I’m talking about companies having to switch all their industrial trucks to EVs, and don’t give me that shit about them having a 100 km range or not existing,” he added.
Guilbeault was taken aback.
“Respect,” Guilbeault said awkwardly, fist-bushing the suited Carney. “You look so boring and safe, but under that suit and in hiding in one of your limos, you are an enviro-bad ass; you make me look as weak as Elisabeth May when we hid her Crown Royal.”
Back at his cottage, Trudeau said he didn’t understand tariffs but noted that if you just allude to doing something for Canada and put a flag behind you with a video of Sidney Crosby scoring the gold medal-winning goal against the US, you can swing the Ontario electoral base back to the Liberals.
“Are they really that stupid?” Trudeau asked his dog, who had joined him with a stuffed toy resembling Pierre Poilievre.
“But no matter, no tariff will affect anyone I know, though I might have to ski under a false identity.”
Trudeau’s son Xavier opened the door, “Stop talking to the dog, Dad,” he said.
“Even Churchill talked to his poodle Rufus,” Trudeau snapped back. “And he was the greatest leader of the 20th century.”
