News of the World - All Liberal MPs Quit to Spend Time with Family - Even Orphans.

Not totally true, but pretty close

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Liberal Party Floundering

The Canadian Liberal Party struggles as it prepares for an upcoming federal election. As he was not permitted to comment, one of the 1200 McKinsey consultants hired to help in the Liberal electoral campaign spoke off the record,

“Right now, we are looking at a voter count that includes just seven geriatric supporters in a New Brunswick nursing home,” he said. “And two of them have Altzeimers and think they are voting for Pierre Trudeau.”.

Sitting Liberal MPs have been announcing en mass that they will not run again as they have all discovered a love for their families.

With a decimated party, Liberal leadership must find new candidates for each riding.

Liberal Acting PM Katie Telford said that she wishes that there was a temp agency that did more than focus on providing white-collar and manufacturing jobs for low pay and no benefits. She wished there were also temp agencies that focused on providing underpaid opportunities for aspiring Liberal leaders who may only be in power for weeks.

Telford also noted that they needed to find more delusional Liberal members who think they can win or simply want to use a Liberal candidacy to cover a huge block of unemployment that may look unattractive to future employers.

A tearful Justin Trudeau was interviewed as he approached the Harrington Lakeshore after walking across the cracking ice.

He wondered if Han Dong’s new batch of international students, who were told to vote for Mark Carney, could be pressured into filling the empty Liberal candidate slots.

Trudeau noted that International students had historically been threatened with their student visas being taken away if they didn’t sign up as Liberal party members and vote for whatever name someone wrote on their hand.

However, Trudeau said threatening to make the students watch TV shows on the CBC streaming service GEM would be more effective.

‘I quit before I could be fired’ Former Finance Minister Freeland said that students could also have been threatened with having to listen to Justin Trudeau offer lessons on personal finance, listen to him explain how monetary policy can be managed from the heart or hearing Trudeau brag how he could defeat Muhammed Ali.

When Trudeau was offered the teaching opportunity, his mood temporarily lifted until a staffer told him that Ali had passed away.

Liberal insider Vicki Campbell contacted News of the World staff to explain why, if Justin Trudeau had stayed in power, he could still have carried the Liberals to victory.

The conversation was cut short when Bedlam Hospital nurses tightened Campbell’s straight jacket. She had tried to get a burner phone that a 14-year-old girl who had met Trudeau at the Toronto Taylor Swift concert had given her but it was taken away. The girl had flown it in through an open window with a drone she had stolen from her little brother.

Campbell said everyone in her ward loved Trudeau, including other patients who self-identified as Jesus, Buddha, Joan of Arc, the brothers Cain and Abel and Pol Pot.

Despite Campbell’s optimism, all Liberal MPs have packed it in.

Even childless, single or orphaned Liberal MPs still are using this familiar excuse about retiring to spend more time with family. The more accurate, “I am not running because I don’t want to be captain of a sinking ship” excuse has proved remarkably unpopular.

When News of the World contacted the families of the “spending time with the family” excuse makers, the excuses were frequently not corroborated.

Liberal MP Mark Holland’s dog Steven, who, speaking through Green MP and dog whisperer Elizabeth May, said he was the only one remotely interested in Mark returning to his family, and that was only because Mark didn’t make him wear a dog coat well into March.

MP Jennifer O’Connell’s husband said she was so annoying that if she continued her “Spending time with family” threat, he would go to Bangkok to find someone there. He admitted that he was afraid of once again pursuing another fruitless relationship with a ladyboy.

Green MP Elizabeth May’s family could not be reached. The number she gave was a BCLICQUOR store. When contacted, staff said they were tired of May trying to get the store to open earlier. Two homeless men who slept outside the entrance also complained that May’s hysterical rants on climate change scared the black lab named Melanie that they had recently adopted.

The two homeless men feared that if Melanie were forced to listen to May explain that eating bugs was the future; she would run out into traffic in a fit of canine hari-kari.

Freeland Defends Her Candidacy for Liberal Leadership

In other news, former fired Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland commented on the unflattering metaphor, which compared her boasting about her plans for fiscal sanity if she became leader to a situation in which Jack the Ripper was bragging that he wanted to start a homeless shelter for abused sex workers.

“It’s not fair,” she said. “The key difference was that Jack knew his actions were wrong.”

After picking up her 12-year-old son’s business textbook, Freeland said she had just learned about compound interest. Her son said he hoped his mum would win the election because his grades always went down whenever she spent too much time at home.

MP Mark Holland announced that he had failed his anger management course for the fourth time.

British PM Explains Overlooking 19,000 Sexual Assaults

In England, Keir Starmer said that any mention of the word Pakistani in the same sentence of grooming gangs on Facebook would automatically result in a prison term for the offender.

He also said the reason that the grooming gangs had been ignored for all those years was that many people in government were confused and thought that the gangs were just self-help organisations dedicated to better hygiene and helping young people avoid horrific 80s style haircuts and the overuse of alcohol-based hair creams that dried the scalp.

Starmer also said the age of sexual consent should be moved to 12 as kids are growing up so quickly these days, with fast food making them hit puberty early.

Starmer said that just because many white Brits don’t believe that sex trafficking 13-year-old girls, stabbing random strangers, or shitting outside was wrong, they shouldn’t force their views on immigrants, as doing so would make them racists.

A Gallup poll showed that zero per cent of British Muslims felt that homosexuality was acceptable.

Iman Wael Ramadier screamed at his members who had participated in the poll, “Couldn’t just one of you have said it was okay? I mean, zero per cent. Just lie, for God’s sake.”

Human Rights and Unions Link Up

The Canadian Association of College Human Rights Managers and Unions OPSEU and CUPE recently voted down the motion to allow the truth to be used as a defence in human rights trials.

They said that the new standard of evidence in human rights tribunals would only use the balance of probabilities to determine the truth as long as they were allowed to continue to ensure that supporting confirmation bias was still the standard investigative technique.

Speaking off the record, a spokesperson said that the Universities will codify a set of narratives each year. Breaking the narrative is considered violence and classified as an emotive crime.

Humber College HR Manager Kathryn O’Eight-Semite emphasised that the criteria for concern about broken narratives is not whether they are true but whether they should be true.

She explained that examples of ‘should be true’ narratives included the one that any Indigenous person who said that abnormalities in the level of the ground represented murdered school children would always be accepted.

Furthermore, she stated that any historical analysis of tribal culture contradicting the narrative that all Indigenous tribes had historically lived in a prosperous and utopian state of familial and cultural bliss would be banned.

Any narrative that did not support a historical framework stating that indigenous tribes focused on making friendship bracelets, writing early drafts of the US Constitution, translating ancient Greek tragedies and creating cancer medicine administered through a soup made from crushed bear excrement, dog urine, blueberries, and the crushed powder from buffalo horns would also be deemed “narrative breaking.”

Such would be a crime and mean at least one year of jail time.

When leaving the human rights meeting, a pollster asked attendees if they had ever spoken with an Indigenous person for over three minutes.

When told that the results showed zero affirmative responses, CUPE head Fred Hahn berated his members and said,“‘Couldn’t one of you have just lied?”

University of Guelph-Humber Honours Business Graduate

Alima Rollo's parents beamed at the University of Guelph-Humber commencement services as their daughter received student of the year honours.

Students unfurling Palestinian flags and waving their keffiyehs on stage delayed the granting of the academic prizes. However, helpful onstage faculty jumped in to straighten the flags, ensuring that an upside-down flag did not dim the students' shining Palestinian fealty.

When Irish international student Aaron O’Posner crossed the stage to receive his parchment, he pulled out an Israeli flag. However, the VP quickly tackled him, and security hustled him off stage.

In her commencement address to her fellow graduates, Rollo said she was especially proud of her achievement, considering that she had not purchased or read a single textbook in her four years, never attended class or even read the notes of fellow students.

“Nobody takes notes any more,” she quipped. “I found all the answers online and got in good groups where other students would do all my work. I graduated with an 89% average and never broke a sweat,” she explained.

“I am so glad I chose Guelph-Humber. It has prepared me well for a career with the federal government.”