News of the World

Not totally true, but pretty close - Trudeau says the key to election victory will be gaslighting, vibes and neopronouns.

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Liberals Plan Election Strategy.

Inside sources report that Trudeau convened an emergency election strategy meeting on Friday with a group of Liberal MPs, consultants and special guests at the Fairmont in downtown Ottawa.

As usual, the consultants had insider connections. According to reporters who caught Trudeau on the way into the meeting, the preference was for MPs to help out their immediate family. For this meeting, the consultants normally taught forklift operator safety but, for this day, would teach the art of gaslighting. He was a friend of MP Mary Ng.

Trudeau is confirmed to have announced that because everyone was always pressuring him about getting their relatives and friends contracts and consulting services, he didn’t want to be accused of favouritism, so he would just start putting all the MP’s names in a punch bowl and do a random draw to decide what consultant or software developer would be the next lucky recipient of federal grift.

As Trudeau carried the punch bowl from MP to MP, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland said she didn’t think Trudeau should try this manual labour thing at 52.

Thunder Bay MP Patty Hadju said that they had a friend who would design an app that would make a virtual punch bowl, and Freeland began to nod. Chaos and arguments ensued, with everyone but Defence Minister Bill Blair saying they had friends who would create an app. Trudeau skipped past the confused defence minister and shook his head as Blair tried to put in his business card.

Blair said he didn’t know what an app was but that in two months, he could form a committee to look at forming a committee to study it, but first, he had to hire a consultant.

Adam Van Koevertn said his favourite flavour of punch was pineapple.

Standing with hands in the pocket behind the podium, the consulting team leader was a young man in his late twenties wearing a Carhartt hoodie. He took the stage, held up a Bic lighter, and turned the flame to its highest. He asked what would happen if this flame came in contact with natural gas, and the room went silent.

“What is this high school?” asked Blair. “We got that the Russians fighting the Nazis thing wrong, okay, but you need to let it go.”

The consultant shook his head and explained that gaslighting would produce an explosion, heating the opposition and making their campaign explosive.

Blair asked if he should disconnect the stove and try it out, but they soon discovered it was an electric stove.

After the group pushed the stove against the wall in the corner kitchenette and returned to their chairs, the consultant jumped in, unsure if he had their attention.

“I’m sorry, that opener flopped,” he said, nervously wiping his palms. “But I wanted to make it real and show you how gaslighting can be the key to overcoming the Conservative’s 35-point poll lead.”

He continued.

“You need to convince the electorate that they are emotionally and mentally unstable and that this is why they are failing to see clear evidence that the Trudeau government are skilled economic managers and that Canada is the most advanced and prosperous nation on earth,” he said with some Kim Jong-Un flourish.

Anand giggled.

The interns from the Liberal PR team, who had just arrived from the hotel pool, said they could brainstorm ideas with CBC journalists.

CBC journalist Rosemary Barton, leaning up against the caterer’s cart, complained that they had been doing the heavy lifting for Liberal Party PR for the last nine years and that she didn’t see any point in bringing in Trudeau’s PR interns at this late point.

This was not well received, but Trudeau calmed the waters by assuring the PR interns that they were still important and could help him make more friendship bracelets for the 38 teenage girls he had met at the Taylor Swift concert, as well as helping him on new Instagram filters. Trudeau passed the beading kit to the three irritated PR interns.

“The best gaslighting method is to accuse the Conservatives of what we are guilty of,” said Blair, “I was talking to that Ukrainian soldier they brought to parliament a while back..”

“The old guy?” asked MP Patty Hadju.

“Was he talking about Goebbels?” Anand muttered.

“How are we supposed to blame the Conservatives for poor management when we have been in power for the last nine years,” Hadju said.

Freeland called security, and Hadju was escorted out to catcalls of, “Bye other Patty,”

Freeland pulled in behind the hotel podium, the consultant giving her space, and suggested they continue to expand their reach by coming up with poor ideas that anyone with an attention span of more than nine seconds and any critical thinking skills would see through.

“Like taking money from taxpayers' children and giving them gifts?” inquired MP Anthony Housefather.

“Yes, said Trudeau, now standing next to Freeland. “For example, if the Conservatives complain about this gift, we will say they don’t understand that getting money helps the economy.”

“Any other ideas we can use to trigger the Cons?” Blair asked. “This is good stuff. We always can get the last word in and accuse them of not caring about the economy or the middle class.”

Blair paused and continued, “We should make these ‘You can do anything you want, and we never arrest you’ cards for demonstrators. And then call people racist when they object.”

Trudeau raised his hands to stop the grumbling, “Earth to Bill. That was my idea,” he said, waving his hand toward a stack of cardboard boxes in the back of the room.

Housefather suggested that Jews should get the same cards.

“No, no,” Trudeau dismissed him. “Since you guys are always peaceful anyway, you are good.”