News of the World - HAMAS PUBLIC RELATIONS TEAM WINS MARKETING "ENMIES" FOR FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW.

Hamas managing partner Weal El-Victim said he is humbled but later admitted show organisers made him say that. El-Victim said he honestly felt like the king of the world.

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At the World Marketing Awards, the Enmies, where the champagne flows and the sanctimonious preen, Hamas’s PR wizards, the Crescent Moon Spin Doctors, have once again seized the gilded crown.

Their triumph? The unholy invention of “Islamophobia”—a term so diabolically clever it turns butchers into bleeding hearts, aggressors into the aggrieved.

It’s a grotesque moral inversion that could make Orwell and Hitchens retch simultaneously.

The Crescent Moon Spin Doctors admitted that “Islamophobia” is a word so venomously brilliant they have been able to turn a death cult into a darling, convincing the West to clutch its pearls while the blade is at its throat.

Managing partner Fatima Al-Edgett, a smirking gorgon in Gucci hijab, crowed, “We’ve weaponized their guilt—every cry of ‘bigot’ is a shackle on their tongues. They loathe us yet love us; we’d slit their throats, but they’d still send flowers.”

Coming in second, the October 7 Committee, Brimstone Brandworks, who transformed a rampage of murder, arson, and kidnapping into a global sob-fest, rendering Israel—the invaded—the monster for daring to fight back—a world first: a nation damned for refusing to roll over and die.

Brimstone Brandworks specialises in selling damnation as liberation, sin as virtue—Managing partner Lucifer J. Beelzebub sneered, “We don’t just market evil—we make it aspirational.”

During the awards ceremony on the streets of Toronto, 88-year-old Richard O’Posner’s skull rudely obstructed a Hamas supporter’s fist, earning O’Posner a quick takedown from the Toronto Police.

At the same time, his assailant, Melanie Spaken-Arsewippen, wailed for éclairs over Timbits, decrying Zionist savagery. She said that she was still traumatized from when Toronto police officers brought her milk instead of cream and that it was leading to future intergenerational damage.

Enmies were also awarded to Dr Weal Eid, a University of Guelph graduate working for the Cleveland Center for Grievance Innovation,

“Victimhood pivot—brilliant,” she trilled, “Cry ‘Islamophobia,’ and every barb becomes bigotry. Then the guilt cascade: drown the West in its shame.”

Raising her Enmie, she howled to an audience now on its feet, “We’re winning.” But leaving the stage, Eid unfortunately tripped on the stairs and broke her neck.

A friendly motorcyclist from Hamas was kind enough to come into the event, tie a rope to her body and drag her to the morgue.

Enterprising criminal gangs have also jumped on board. Meet Iron Butterfly, formerly the Victimhood Vault Liberation Front” (VVLF), whose motto is, “We didn’t rob the bank—we liberated funds to heal from intergenerational trauma.”

Members wear keffiyehs, but overtop; they pin “Ask Me About My Lived Experience” badges.

When surrounded by police, they ditch the balaclavas, yank their keffiyehs down, tie them around their necks, and glue themselves to the brochure racks. Then Butterfly members scream about systemic oppression and live-stream their takedown as a hate crime.

Human rights experts from the University of Guelph have offered Iron Butterfly free emotional support.

Iron Butterfly also claims to have never heard of the band.

Last Thursday, when police stormed in, pistols cocked, Butterfly members met them with cries of, “We’re ending our hunger strike—#4 combo from Wendy’s, frosty too!”

British police spokesman, Captain Ullysis Idiotis, said that his officers have stopped foot patrols and are focusing strictly on monitoring Snapchat and Twitch for thoughtcrime. British PM Starmer slammed his fist down in Churchillian conviction, “You can’t do these Islamophobic snap streaks on my watch, not in my England.”

Other experts wondered how does a gang of fundamentalist savages—flinging gays from rooftops, shrouding women in misery, and pining for an Islamo-Neanderthal hellscape—win over the Irish? It’s a leprechaun’s fever dream: a mob of Guinness-soaked Celts staggering into a bog where Hamas waves its flag.

Seamus O’Flannery, a Dublin publican with eyes like burning peat, rants, “The fairies are real, ye dimwits! They’ve dusted Dublin with anti-Semitic pixie powder, seeping into our bitter Cromwell scars and aiming it at the Jews! And Guinness? They’ve spiked those nitrogen fizzers with Jew-hate mRNA from the Covid jab cooks—we’re too pissed to notice!”

It’s madness, but it sticks—resentment’s a hell of a drug.

Of course, academia leads the charge into the hellscape of societal self-destruction. The University of Guelph, that bastion of bovine intellect, has decreed that criticizing terrorists means instant expulsion for students.

For faculty, although they will be sacked, their ouster will be accompanied by a framed copy of a $200K “Report O’Guilt” from Lerners LLP or Sherrard Kuzz LLP, which will produce customized Reports O’Guilt reports using Chat GPT for Lawyers.

The University of Guelph has though begged Sherrard Kuzz lawyers to ditch the orange crayon and stop scrawling “Guilty You Fucking Jew Lover” on their investigation conclusions, saying while admirable, the message needs to not be quite so direct.

In other news, Budweiser has launched a Temperance League, and Vancouver’s Anti-Addiction Society is pressing the NDP government to give drug addicts all the drugs they want in the hope that addicts will feel some shame in being such dope mooches and give up their habit.

In reaction to the Enmies, other organisations tried to jump on the coattails of the Crescent Moon‘s press attention. Announcements included:

• The International Order of Hens will donate every fourth egg to the Let’s Boost Fox Fecundity Fund, clucking about solidarity.

• PETA will be hosting fundraising BBQs.

• MADD will be touring frat houses and offering up tequila shots to all attendees, with the worst fake ID holder getting a free Ford F-150.

• Extinction Rebellion will glue themselves to bike racks in the San Francisco downtown corridor.

• In India, the Cobra persecution society has declared May to be the first month for “Mongoosophobia”

This is Hamas’s world: a death cult recast as darlings, barbarity as virtue. The Irish swig their hate-laced stout, fairies sprinkle malice, and academia police thought with fists and crayons.

Christopher Hitchens would’ve torched this with a whisky-fueled roar—reason’s dead, and we’re applauding the pallbearers. Cheers, you bastards—we’re all damned now.

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Please let me know if you see a typo; I wrote this in less than an hour.