NEWS OF THE WORLD - Trudeau creates National Victimisation Scorecard (NVS)
Not totally true, but pretty close.
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OTTAWA—In an unprecedented display of self-proclaimed “political genius,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that his government will unveil a fresh daily division in Canada's new ‘Divide and Diversity Initiative.’
Trudeau said this is a better idea than hoping to win based on overcoming the sampling error guy’s prediction of accuracy being 19 times out of 20. Trudeau said he had not lost hope, noting that election night could be that one night, so being 40 points down might not be such an issue. When asked if he had ever taken a statistics course, he said no, as he had no interest in veterinary medicine.
After being joined by Minister Freeland, Trudeau rolled out the program, saying that each day would bring a new, carefully curated battle designed to reach out to every faction, celebrate their diversity and come to terms with why they should hate everyone else.
"As the senior leader of the G7, Canada is proud to invest in diversity growth by ensuring that identity factors that separate us and celebrate our diversity are nurtured," Trudeau said.
The PM announced Canada’s first annual Day of Oppression, celebrating the rich diversity of Canadian grievances. “I believe in honouring every Canadian’s struggle to feel more wronged than the person next to them,” he declared.
As part of the festivities, Trudeau introduced the “How I am the Most Oppressed” essay contest for schoolchildren. “We need to start early,” he explained.
Trudeau also proudly appointed a Minister for Uneven Grass Patches That May Contain Victims of Settler Colonialism. He said this new role is essential, as the minister will be equipped with a team of historical theorists from TMU to examine suspicious patches of lawn for potential oppression.
“Every tuft of grass has a story,” Trudeau proclaimed. “And they might be full of dead children that our ancestors probably murdered.” To help Canadians take immediate action, he said the ministry will also hand out complimentary fire starter kits.
Canadian multiculturalism has never been more exciting, the PM continued, waving at imaginary supporters for his photographer.
“It’s time to bring a little international flair to domestic debates,” Trudeau announced. “Canada’s diversity can only flourish if we encourage competition. Sikhs vs Hindus, Shia vs Sunni — we will ensure everyone has a team and a target.”
Trudeau then announced he would start a cross-Canada tour called the Religious Snitching Program.
“I will be having meetings with every religious faction and asking them what pisses them off about other factions. Then I will go to the next faction and hold the same meeting and tell them all the smack that has been said about them,” he said.
“But the first group will have to wait till the end before they hear how much everyone else hates them,” Trudeau added. “But they should get a lot of feedback at that point.”
The Prime Minister then turned his attention to international conflicts: “Hezbollah vs. Hamas - normally they are just held together by Jew-hatred,” he said. “But a lot divides them, and we must ensure they can celebrate their diversity.”
Deputy PM Freeland next took the podium and said that abortion, especially the right to cap the kid even if it’s on its way down the birth canal, needed to be emphasised and that all long dress-wearing Gilead dream-loving handmaidans should be called out.
Hamas supporters gathering rocks outside a North York synagogue said that this new state of Gilead's idea of women being nothing more than reproductive machines sounded pretty good and suggested a strategic alliance.
Legal scholars from Quebec said that abortion could work for the Catholic church if it were deemed a form of pre-planned MAID1 state-assisted suicide.
The Quebec Minister of Justice also suggested that students sign up for the pre-planned depression and anxiety government-assisted suicide MAID program for those particularly difficult teenage days, as well as signing up for the pre-planned gender change for those not as particularly difficult teenage days.
“Better safe than sorry,’ the Minister quipped.
The Bloc Quebecois said their only problem was that the forms should have the French first, with a 16-point font, while ensuring the English only got 12 points.
With climate change the defining issue of our time, Trudeau later declared that “real jobs” are oppressive to the plan. He said those persons, especially Albertans or any non-dairy farmer, needed to work from the heart out and have faith that the climate gods would reward them with high-paying cleantech jobs if they laid down their tools.
Trudeau broke down in tears as he spoke of his climate sacrifices. He said it had been hard to reduce his limousine parade from 15 to 11 vehicles and that telling his drivers never to use air conditioning when waiting for him outside meetings or turn on the heat during winter waits hurt him deeply.
Returning to the divide and diversity campaign, Trudeau proudly announced a nationwide rollout of a “Kindergarten Trans Spotter Program.” This initiative aims to support young children by identifying and categorising their gender identities with government-backed social workers and teachers in every school.
“Our best diversity trans spotters can spot babies who have been born in the wrong body by how high they wear their diapers,” Trudeau said. “It should not be an issue with six-year-olds.”